Gary Johnson Is Not Real

Posted on June 4, 2011


I reject Gary Johnson. The intertrons have foolishly tried to convince me that he’s a Republican former governor who was on “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” and was endorsed (and subsequently un-endorsed) by Willie Nelson for being pro-marijuana. I’ve never heard his name before, and I don’t think that I should feel bad about that, because Gary Johnson is not real. The existence of Gary Johnson is impossible. This blog denies it.

Here is an article about Gary Johnson being excluded from an upcoming GOP presidential primary debate in New Hampshire. Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Tim Pawlenty, Mitt Romney, and Rick Santorum will all be in attendance. Why no Johnson? Allegedly, his poll numbers are too low to justify his participation.

Nobody loves me.

Really? Lower than Rick Santorum? Doubtful. Gary Johnson wasn’t invited because Gary Johnson is not a person in real life. He was invented by the Cato Institute in an attempt to make libertarians look more relevant to mainstream politics and less like the sociopaths in the sovereign citizen movement.*

The fictional Mr. Johnson is allegedly a white Republican, but since he’s not real, I demand to see his birth certificate. Barack Obama may be a secret socialist Muslim from Kenya, but at least he’s made of flesh and blood. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow my country to be governed by an abstract concept!



* As an aside, this is the first time you’ve heard me complain about libertarians, but it won’t be the last. Libertarians are people who are self-absorbed enough to truly believe that they should be able to do anything they want, regardless of the consequences. Which just makes them dicks.

Recently, one such jackass – Michael Creath Jones from Virginia – was arrested for obstruction of justice with force, among other things, for taking libertarianism to its logical end. He refused to identify himself to a police officer, who pulled him over for having a home-made license plate, on the grounds that he was a “free citizen on a free highway.” Right, a free highway, paid for by taxpayers, and built and maintained by the government.

Here’s a question: if a government exists to uphold peoples’ rights, and this guy doesn’t recognize the legitimacy of government on the basis of the ultimate primacy of the individual, then by his own logic I could tie him up in my basement and beat him with a padlock on a chain every morning before breakfast, and it would be nobody’s fault or responsibility but his own. Imagine that!

Ayn Rand!


Posted in: 2012, GOP